I often fear dwelling on the past and what was. There have been obstacles in my past and sometimes, perhaps courtesy of my "mental acuteness", I find myself terrified of it's return. I think (and welcome the possibility of being wrong) that any form of "recovery" carries with it the fear of "relapse".
I remember ten years ago, five years ago, not being able to breathe. The sheer terror that accompanied any moment I found myself alone. Being unable to walk out the front door, petrified of being revealed in such an unforgiving world. I remember it with such depth of emotion that the prospect of returning to that place often finds a way into my thoughts and still on occasion guides my actions.
These flashbacks are especially obvious to me in moments I'm forced to realize how far I've come.
I flew to Calgary and back at the start of the week. A city I haven't been to since I was forced to leave Team Canada. I was out there representing an amazing group of coworkers, interfacing with a very important client, and successfully deepening some very important relationships, alone. A few years ago I couldn't keep a full time job, could not travel, would not fly, and feared doing most things without support by my side.
Today I flew to Ottawa and back to present to some coworkers. Again facing all of these realizations with the added bonus of boarding a plane, coincidentally, with one of the camera crew from the team filming the documentary I am apart of. A very pointed reminder and slightly humorous.
I guess what I know for sure, sometimes, I need to take a moment not to fear my past but instead acknowledge where I am today. And more importantly, I need to take the time to share those moments with the incredible people I have in my life and so many more who understand.
There is hope...such incredible hope.
