I remember in grade school when we were all expected to give
a timed speech in front of our classes. For those who were gifted with their
story telling, the audience would grow.
I always went up with those little cue cards that Mom used for her
recipes, completely detached from whatever I was rambling on about and trying
so desperately to not end up with my head between my knees hyperventilating
into a paper bag. I guess looking
back, those presentations were probably my first remembered experience of what
a panic attack was going to feel like…down the road. Oh, the irony.
The first time I came out with my story; sharing this
journey “out loud” didn’t feel much different. The difference being that I now know how to breathe through
it. I know I’m not going to die, I’m
not having a heart attack, not going to instantly cease to exist…it actually
makes me laugh now. Yes, I still
get nervous every single time I speak.
I still feel the panic attack coming on, often walking in just in time
to speak as to avoid the pre speech foreplay of people watching me, wondering
what I have to say, maybe able to see that I’m breathing like I just ran a
marathon. I confidently walk out
onto the stage and promptly sit!
No I’m not being rude, I’m not trying to appear lazy or complacent, it’s
just a lot easier for me to control my breathing when I’m sitting, you won’t be
able to see my anxiety attacks! I
keep a bottle of water next to me at all times so I have a built in excuse to
pause when needed to get a few deep breaths in! It’s all a very strategic process for me.
There are days that my story is too real even for me. Spending the time reliving some of the
worst moments in my life on days that my anxiety is begging me to just stay
home, or my depression is suggesting it could be a movie day…well, it’s a
challenge. But I have a learned
perspective. You can be my
therapist on those days. On the
days that I used to want to just be alone, I now know that I’m stronger with
support. I’m stronger if I let
people in and remind myself that I’m never alone. So whether you like it or not, I’ve learned to use you for
that. I will be gentle with myself
as I share my journey with you, and I will accept that if I cry, if I struggle,
it’s the choice I made. I chose to
share this journey so the world can learn how real it is for so many, most
importantly because I want you to see “ME”. I want people to see that yes I can still have bad days, but
there are so many that are so good!
And even with the challenges I face, it’s so possible to take a deep
breathe, laugh in amazement and wonder at the power of my mind and body, revel
in my ability to work with myself to take it in stride, and just continue on my
journey.
I have figured out the worst that could happen would be a
presentation that includes a full blown panic attack, perhaps a few tears in
front of a bunch of strangers that came to hear me share my journey about
living with anxiety, panic and depression; so frankly, there is the potential
of a very visual presentation and perhaps greater understanding of what I go
through…not a horrible alternative.
And the best part, there’s usually a medical professional, a shrink, a
doctor, a social worker or some alternative in the audience, and I I’ve spent
enough time paying for it that I’ll take my free sessions when needed!
