Sometimes

I often fear dwelling on the past and what was.  There have been obstacles in my past and sometimes, perhaps courtesy of my "mental acuteness", I find myself terrified of it's return.  I think (and welcome the possibility of being wrong) that any form of "recovery" carries with it the fear of "relapse".

I remember ten years ago, five years ago, not being able to breathe.  The sheer terror that accompanied any moment I found myself alone.  Being unable to walk out the front door, petrified of being revealed in such an unforgiving world.  I remember it with such depth of emotion that the prospect of returning to that place often finds a way into my thoughts and still on occasion guides my actions.

These flashbacks are especially obvious to me in moments I'm forced to realize how far I've come.  

I flew to Calgary and back at the start of the week.  A city I haven't been to since I was forced to leave Team Canada.  I was out there representing an amazing group of coworkers, interfacing with a very important client, and successfully deepening some very important relationships, alone.  A few years ago I couldn't keep a full time job, could not travel, would not fly, and feared doing most things without support by my side.

Today I flew to Ottawa and back to present to some coworkers.  Again facing all of these realizations with the added bonus of boarding a plane, coincidentally, with one of the camera crew from the team filming the documentary I am apart of.  A very pointed reminder and slightly humorous.

I guess what I know for sure, sometimes, I need to take a moment not to fear my past but instead acknowledge where I am today.  And more importantly, I need to take the time to share those moments with the incredible people I have in my life and so many more who understand.

There is hope...such incredible hope.

Found

we spend a lifetime finding ourselves
drawing into this theory
that we can be understood
defined by words
in terms
of ignorance
answers we offer
to other for acceptance
safety
the unknown evoking a fear
misunderstanding
misunderstood
i challenge you to find me
within the walls of normal
a search in vain
for it's outside of your existence
don't try to find me in a word
but understand me
in your heart

Remember Why

Sometimes the most simple of concepts get beyond our daily lives.  I just signed onto Facebook and saw a friends status change in my news feed, it read; "Remember why you play."  Now this friend happens to be a teammate of mine and I can likely deduce from this that she may be referring to hockey but for some reason this evoked emotions beyond that for me.  Not that I often "forget hockey" but for the argument of where this just took me I'm putting it aside.

Remember why.

It's such an important reminder and although "practice what you preach" hits about as high on the cliche metre as I can get, it's something I sometimes lose in the chaos of daily life.  Sometimes we forget.  We start to get complacent in our routines and forget why.

Why do I get up and go to work in the morning?  Why do I message with my friends throughout the day?  Why do the I use the words I love you?  Why did I decide to share my story and recount some of the worst moments of my life?  Why do I take time to just be alone with myself?

It takes one simple reminder, remember why.

Because finally, I can.

I am so grateful on this journey that I seem to be meeting all of the most incredible people and continue to be inspired each and every day.  Thank you.