A New Beginning

Well here it is.  After some very prompt feedback as to whether there would be a benefit to me adding a blog to my online presence, here I am.  That being said, setting up a blog is not as easy as I thought it would be.  I anticipate getting in touch with some of my more technical friends to ensure this is as pretty and functional as it should be.  So today, having exhausted my desire to be on my computer much longer with creating this forum, I thought I would share something I wrote a couple years after I was diagnosed.  I guess a sort of intro to the content you may find here and a testament to the perseverance I have needed to pull on time and again.  That being said, there have been many struggles, many battles lost and won, but in the end I am here.  I am living very productively with purpose and dreams, something I feared I would never achieve.  And what's best, I feel it is possible for so many more to wake up with the happiness and sense of purpose I have rediscovered through learning to live with my Anxiety/Panic and Depression.  There is such an incredible life to be lived. 

Written in 2004

And lost again is where I find myself, I know I've been here before, I remember.  I remember it down to the most intricate detail.  I remember how the light of the sun seems a little less bright.  How it makes the beauty of the sunset a little less captivating.  I remember how I have the power to overlook everything good.  But I seem to forget that is all my choice.  I choose to wake up with a meaningless focus.  I choose to focus on what is less, on all that is bad.  I have the power to change.  I know I need help again.  But I am only just starting to learn it is my help that I need most. 


  1. Congratulations on choosing to share your story, Kendra. Considering the first step is always the hardest, you're already an inspiration.
    We're with you.

  2. Interesting comment about positive thinking....it is possible to change the way we think but often it includes using the right meds...then counseling if you are suffering a chemical imbalance (m.i)..Cognitive Behavioural Therpay (CBT)is a strong tool for this...if you don't know already check out the book Feeling Good by DR. David Burns or the book Mind over Mood (and their workbookes). They both teach CBT. Another method is Dialectric Behavioural Therapy (DBT) which is quite new and used for those with personality disorders. With my illness (bipolar/schizoaffective) I am currently reading how CBT can be used to help with delusions and hallucinations (big part of my illness). I am also in the midst of doing a WRAP (wellness recovery action plan) which is quite powerful and new in the last few years. WRAP was started by Mary Ellen Copeland a sufferer of m.i and a therapist/psychologist by trade. Another thing I am looking into is meditation but there are no books on that and mental illness...yet. Just thought I would give you the names of some concrete and powerful tools that are part of a wellness program if you care to investigate them for yourself or others. Sometimes it can be overwhelming when people say "think positive" to someone in a chemical depression. To think positive can be acheieved with these tools to a very high level either working on their own or with a theraptist. I know the Burns book was a huge breakthrough for me when I was first diagnosed in the late 1980's. I was desparate for something and just happened to read a book review in my local paper. Went right out and bought the book. I still use it from time to time when I am having trouble and I keep two copies...one for me and one for frinds who are suffering. Thanks for posting the comment on positive thinking....great site...will tell many peoople about it.

  3. jenjoy67.

    I couldn't agree more, I think dealing with Mental Illness definitely requires patience as it often takes time to discover the correct combinations of "tools" for each individual. Whether it be medication, CBT, Meditation, Fitness, etc. It is a very trying process and one that requires diligence and perseverance. There is no room to get complacent when dealing with wellness. As for choice of thought vs positive thinking. I agree it can be patronizing to hear "think positive". However not quite what I meant. The mind is a very powerful thing, it is true we battle chemical imbalance, and many other factors. The choice may not be one of simply thinking positive, however the choice to think against being negative exists. You choose to be a part of your recovery. It does not mean we will not have bad days, simply that we will not give in to them and for me, I will engage the tools I have learned to better the outcome.

    Lastly, and a quick shout out, I couldn't agree more, I use the book Mind Over Mood frequently. There are so many great ideas to be taken from it and personally that one has been of great help to me. Thanks a tonne for the response!!

  4. Sean,
    Thank you for your support, I will take all I can get!!!!
    : )

  5. yes Kendra good point it is a personal journey for sure..has to be tailored by the individual and yes there is vigulence in there too. We are all responsible for our own actions in the end. Glad you are using a CBT book...they are really wonderful. I was thinking today as to how far treatment in m.i. has come. Several hundreds of years ago the m.i. were tortured as a medical treatment. Thank goodness I didn't live back then. But also some of the greatest art has been created by the mentally ill. In the last century the m.i. were kept in assylums until the 1960's when most of those "hospitals" were closed due to the advent of psychotropic drugs letting the m.i. lead more normal lives in the community. Personally I have seen great developments in just the last 15 years in medication for my disorder (bipolar/schizoaffective). Maybe that would be a good blog topic...an outline of the history of society's attitude towards the m.i....I also thought why don't you post about what it was like when you first got ill. If you knew you were ill or how you came into treatment for the first time. What you and your family and friends had to do to adjust. Many people won't seek help because they are afraid...they don't know what to expect. Just a warning it could be painful for you to reflect on that. Might want to confer with your health professionals to see if they think it is ok for you to do. You have to be in the right head space or else it could spiral you into a bad place.
    Take care and God bless you....