Back From Falling: Part 3

January 3rd has always stuck with me, a date I despise.  "The" day over ten years ago that I called home and heard the words fall from my mouth before I could stop them..."Mom, I'm dying.  I can't see tomorrow."  It's hard to let go of days like that.  I have often referred to it as the worst day of my life, we can call it my bottom.  Curious that I found myself again on the phone to my parents, January 3rd, they could hear it in my voice, they know when I'm not well.

I had made it to work that day, on edge all day.  Trying my hardest to concentrate, fighting off panic attacks.  My ears ringing.  Dizzy.  My heart racing and skipping.  By the time the day was done I had accepted what this was.  I contemplated calling for a ride home.  My familiar fear of getting behind the wheel, the potential of anxiety and the 401 an ongoing nemesis on bad days.  I got to my couch a lifetime later and settled into my chaos.  The desire to run for help is so real, so strong, feeling like I'm supposed to be checking into an ER but knowing exactly what I'd be told and how to handle it.

There is a part of this that becomes entirely patronizing when you "know".  I do "know".  I know that if I stop taking care of myself, it all comes back, and it did!

Calling my parents makes it real.  I am grateful I know to put things into perspective for myself in moments like these.  To simply stop and recognize that I have the ability to regain "control".  I heard my parents with gentle force, reminding me I hadn't been exercising, going through my lack of healthy eating as I was home, reviewing times in my life I had been "here" before.  We spoke for half an hour, their concern as real as it was the first time I called with these issues, but their ability to cope and understand has grown with mine.  An outlet so real to my recovery.

I hung up the phone and started with step one.  I felt dizzy, couldn't stay focused, poor eating, low blood pressure, no exercise...pulling myself off the couch I headed out to Shoppers to check for the obvious, low blood pressure.  The thing about my anxiety, my panic, when I start to "identify" the causes it alleviates. I made myself some chicken noodle soup and started recreated the "plan" I knew I needed to engage in.

Feeling better happens almost instantly when I remember I can "choose" proactivity, and I did, I do...

To Be Continued...

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