...I woke up on the 4th knowing I needed to take action. The feelings were still there, the anxiety and the panic were very real. It's a constant battle in these moments between what I feel, what I want to do and what I know I need to do. Staying in bed is easiest, or at least it feels that way. Once I sort through the fears, the irrationality, the chaos, and I determine that what I "feel" is a product or result of anxiety and panic, I find myself at a crossroad. It seems odd that this is as true today as it was ten years ago, but here it is. I can allow myself to exist in this state and ultimately be overwhelmed with the depression that results from feeling so "out of control", or I can accept the feelings and change my thoughts in order to better my situation.
On the 4th it was this decision, do I stay in bed feeling like "crap" and not making anything better or do I force myself to face the fear of getting out of bed, submerging myself into the world and force myself against every feeling to reenter the routine that keeps me in recovery?
The drive to the gym that morning scared me. No matter how many times I find myself at this crossroad the one possibility always stays constant with me, "what if my routine stops working and I end up back where I was when I had no ability to cope?" Well my answer is simple, it has yet to fail me and the day it does I will find a new way to cope, a new routine, and another set of supports to allow for me to stay Mentally Fit!
I arrived at the gym full of anxiety, weak from just making the effort to get up and get going, fighting myself can be tiring. I hopped on the treadmill and my steps "back from falling" became literal. It is a curious dilemma working out with anxiety. A panic attack or anxiety attack in it's most basic characteristics cause irregular heart sensations/beats, troubles breathing, dizziness, and many more wonderful symptoms which are all ironically the normal bodily reactions to physical fitness. This tends to be an issue for the first workout back from a "crash". Each step a careful analysis between positive results of picking up the pace on the treadmill and a potential panic attack threatening to get out of control...
To Be Continued...
Once again, I have to say that I feel bad saying this but wow, it sure is nice to read that someone else feels these feelings. I find that exercise helps so much; a good, hard workout (preferably cardio) changes the way my body (and head) feels for the day). I too don't always make it out for the exercise that I know will help me but we are only human and do what we can.
ReplyDeleteKendra, I too find the treadmill/stairstepper/eliptical brings back all those anxiety feelings but if I can tell myself that these feelings aren't going to kill me, I am alright. I have recently found that hot yoga works wonderfully for me. Before my first hot yoga class, I was really scared that I would "panic" and have to leave the room but I did it and have kept doing it. Might be worth a try.
I sure hope this part of your life changes for you. You are a very brave woman to acknowledge this publicly and I admire you for that. You have given me courage to talk to people about this "thing" I have and to feel that I am still okay (as in normal; whatever normal is). Thank you.