Back From Falling: Part 5

...It's a very careful process to remind myself I am ok in these moments.  Fighting the urge to stop working out, convincing myself I am indeed ok and what I feel is "normal".  Even more curious is that very thought, what is it to feel "normal"?

I fought through my workout conveniently on the ground floor at my office building.  Next up, eat properly.  I have been an athlete longer than I've known how to walk I think, this you would assume would be another easy concept for me, to eat well.  Not so much.  Our bodies are not simple, and eating to stay Mentally Fit is a carefully planned routine.  Not too much sugar, nothing too fatty, certainly easy on the caffeine, and so it was; my post workout staple, a smoothie, loaded with fruits and protein.

I hate the first few days trying to come "out of this place".  Everything is so hard, so tiring, so beyond challenging.  These moments are always measured for balance, acceptance of what I know, a careful check on my feelings and keeping tabs on my anxiety levels, yet pushing past the desire to withdraw and forcing myself to push on.

It occurs to me as I sit here writing how odd it must be for my coworkers, all so very supportive, to be reading this yet sitting next to me knowing (well knowing now) what my past week has been like.  Very curious.

In any case, I made my way back up to the office where I fortunately Lead a team of incredible people whose very energy make my days better, and perched myself at my desk.  It's a skill I like to think, the ability to "force" focus and present myself in these moments as a perfectly functioning individual, all the while crawling out of my skin from moment to moment trying to claim the peace I know I can exist in.

This day was a challenge, one of many I have known and one of more that I will face.  But on the 4th, by the time I got home after work, I had a realization that brought things slightly into focus, I hadn't feared my ride home from work that day.  This seems so simple, almost childlike, but it's so real, so gradual, and so subtly drastic how quickly things "turn around" in moments like these.  With just the effort spent getting up, working out, eating, socializing, I had started to force the "fear" away again.  And without even realizing how powerful these things are in my life, I started to prove to myself again that coping and managing are well within my means.

I at least fell asleep that night knowing this to be true, I have learned how important my perspective is, my ability to recognize a "victory" no matter how small...on the 4th, I wasn't afraid to drive home from work, and that made the 5th a little easier to face...

To Be Continued...


  1. Kendra....I am going through the same thing you are not alone...we are all together to get outselves out of anxiety...

  2. How did you turn this around and make yourself ok with people knowing all this about you? My biggest fear is if I admit to all of this and embrace it as part of myself, is that people will identify me as 'depressed' first, rather than as myself.