Chaos

I often find a place of peace and calm when I allow myself to write.  It takes different forms, different shapes.  I sit here tonight in contemplation of this journey and found these words on the screen in front of me, so I chose to share them with you;

Find me here in my words
I lay them out for you
Scattered in the order
of my chaos
I reach to you in silent
Screams
Carried on the gentle breeze
of a breath
Escaping my lungs
With the force of
a thousand secrets
Untold in fear
Spelling out a world
Misunderstood

Find me here
under this street light
Illuminate the honesty
of my hope
And embrace me in your
Ignorance
Born of my shame

Let's share this story
and meet under a painted sky
In a world
Welcoming the
distance covered
by the words
I offer you

Too Many Words, Thank You

I feel a rant coming on, yet recognize ranting is not the most effective way of blogging.  This being said, I will aim for a controlled rant and hope in the end some valid notion of my intention is obvious.

I have spent the last two and a half weeks speaking with students of the Toronto Catholic District School Board and their Stop the Stigma program.  So let me start with this, an incredible program with such great intentions and one that needs to go viral in concept  to all students, parents and teachers to help break the Stigma that imprisons those struggling to deal with mental health issues.

Although I could spend a day praising this program and another week talking about all of the great people I have met over the past few weeks and the discussions that resulted; I feel this taking on another life.  I would like to share the journey this has put me on, revisiting the pain, the isolation and ultimately reaffirming the hope and happiness that is my life now.

At the end of each of my presentations I am often posed questions by students and teachers.  The questions range from personal and difficult to Stanley Cup predictions, go Vancouver! However after these questions wrap up and the assembly disperses I am often left with a handful of people who have much  more personal matters to discuss.  The courage they show in approaching me is incredible and beyond that, the absolute honour I feel to be in a position to offer support to these people is phenomenal.
But something happens every time this moment comes, I am forced to consider with every ounce of my being how I can speak from understanding and not recovery. I have to revisit that feeling of isolation and torment.  I feel my chest tighten and my throat burn with the threat of tears. It's such a welcomed invasion.

I know that seems odd.  Welcoming the desperation that put me through hell for so long but it is in those moments, knowing that I am able to "feel" with an absolute solidarity the sense of helplessness that drives these people to share with me, that I am made to realize how real the hope we are in search of truly is!  In the span of a question I am able to place myself in the same state that "sentenced" me for so long, a state I had embraced as my fate and something I had for a long time failed to believe I could overcome.

I guess looking in from a place of strength offers perspective, but allowing myself to sit next to despair and truly remember where the words are coming from is what inspires me the most.  I am amazed by every one of you that I have been blessed to meet on this journey.  You continue to push me to better myself and offer a support and understanding that I can only hope you feel in return.

Embracing Hurt

Today it hurts and that's ok.

I find myself laying here at the end of my weekend.  I'm slightly tired, drawn, I have given a lot of energy lately, happily and with purpose.  But I feel sad.  It is not overwhelming me because I know it's place.  I know it's origin and I accept it for what it is.  A moment in my life that I can put where it belongs.  I can allow it to be and know it is not all that I am.  Today has passed in minutes, in seconds, many of them great.  I will not allow this feeling to consume my day or the memories of it.  It will only own the time I spend acknowledging it.

I can be sad, it's ok to be sad.  It is a real emotion that is far less desirable than others.  It does not have to come with the title of depression and if it does that is also ok.  There are losses.  There are voids and people that I miss.  There are struggles I face, that people I care about face.  They sometimes make me sad and that's ok.

I can allow myself to be uncomfortable.  I don't need to always be in control.  I can accept moments that force me to cope, to identify what is inside me and allow it to guide me towards the balance I need.  These feelings are important, I do not need to fear them.  They are there to remind me.  They are reminding me to put myself in check and to care for myself with the same love and compassion I would like to offer others.

Today there is hurt, but hurt is not defining today!