Hero

This journey has taught me there is no use for my silence anymore.  To hide the truth is only to perpetuate the lack of education regarding Mental Health.  People do not understand and so exists this "Stigma" we all fight against.  We need to keep talking, and so I offer my honesty...

Hero

Why does horror motivate?

How do we justify our insensitivity to the human condition

We prefer this world where people are polite

Hiding us from their story 

The truth that is their life

Come here

And sit for awhile

As long as you can 

Tolerate

My honesty

This is my life

This image you see 

Flashing before you

Brief

Fleeting

Call yourself my hero

Could you be my hero?

Look at me now

Laying here

Raw 

This is my face

My body

Betraying me
Can you fix me

Save me

Wipe the tears 

Blurring 

Your vision

Of me

Let me introduce you to fear

It's that lump in your throat

That look in your eyes

I will not judge you

Take my hand

Let me console you

Let me be your hero

I will carry you through 

The horror you see

In me

Sometimes

I often fear dwelling on the past and what was.  There have been obstacles in my past and sometimes, perhaps courtesy of my "mental acuteness", I find myself terrified of it's return.  I think (and welcome the possibility of being wrong) that any form of "recovery" carries with it the fear of "relapse".

I remember ten years ago, five years ago, not being able to breathe.  The sheer terror that accompanied any moment I found myself alone.  Being unable to walk out the front door, petrified of being revealed in such an unforgiving world.  I remember it with such depth of emotion that the prospect of returning to that place often finds a way into my thoughts and still on occasion guides my actions.

These flashbacks are especially obvious to me in moments I'm forced to realize how far I've come.  

I flew to Calgary and back at the start of the week.  A city I haven't been to since I was forced to leave Team Canada.  I was out there representing an amazing group of coworkers, interfacing with a very important client, and successfully deepening some very important relationships, alone.  A few years ago I couldn't keep a full time job, could not travel, would not fly, and feared doing most things without support by my side.

Today I flew to Ottawa and back to present to some coworkers.  Again facing all of these realizations with the added bonus of boarding a plane, coincidentally, with one of the camera crew from the team filming the documentary I am apart of.  A very pointed reminder and slightly humorous.

I guess what I know for sure, sometimes, I need to take a moment not to fear my past but instead acknowledge where I am today.  And more importantly, I need to take the time to share those moments with the incredible people I have in my life and so many more who understand.

There is hope...such incredible hope.

Found

we spend a lifetime finding ourselves
drawing into this theory
that we can be understood
defined by words
in terms
of ignorance
answers we offer
to other for acceptance
safety
the unknown evoking a fear
misunderstanding
misunderstood
i challenge you to find me
within the walls of normal
a search in vain
for it's outside of your existence
don't try to find me in a word
but understand me
in your heart