Back From Falling: Part 1

I often wondered what effect stepping out with my story would have on me.  It was a simple question posed to me the last time I spoke, and one that caught me off guard.

"How are you handling being so open about what you've been through? Has it made things easier or harder?"

It wasn't a question I prepared an answer for and found myself standing in front of a room full of strangers feeling even more exposed, if that's possible.  Yet, it was a question I needed to hear.  The answer is a long one, with many factors and an ultimately positive tone.  However it did force me to consider some curious internal responses.  One being this, I have found I seem to posses the belief that I shouldn't be open about not being 100% all of the time.  I feel somehow responsible to only be healthy,  as though I have created an expectation of myself to only be "good".  Free of anxiety, panic, fear, depression.  That somehow I feel fraudulent speaking of my recovery and coping when I am having a bad day, a bad week.  I am grateful I was forced to think on this and it's what brings me to you today.

I crashed.  Again.  I did exactly what everything I have learned has dictated I cannot do.  I went home for the Holidays and complacently landed on my couch, not working out, not eating properly, not taking the time to focus on the feelings that ultimately become "too much" for me if I let them go unnoticed.  Somehow this hurts me so much more at this point, I know better.  I know what I need to do to stay healthy. So here I am again, left fighting back! And I am.

I had planned on going back home, sharing a holiday journal through my blog and instead I find myself here sharing a much more intimate journal, coming back from falling.

So in hopes my transparency provides more help then my "embarrassment" for "letting this happen" again.  In hopes that my exposure is more relevant then the "perception" that I am always good.  Here it is.  I still suffer from Anxiety, Panic, Depression, and I have to take care of myself to manage that.  I have failed to do that and so my next few entries will serve to remind me of exactly that.

And more so, let me share with you what it takes for me to fight back from darkness...

Hero

This journey has taught me there is no use for my silence anymore.  To hide the truth is only to perpetuate the lack of education regarding Mental Health.  People do not understand and so exists this "Stigma" we all fight against.  We need to keep talking, and so I offer my honesty...

Hero

Why does horror motivate?

How do we justify our insensitivity to the human condition

We prefer this world where people are polite

Hiding us from their story 

The truth that is their life

Come here

And sit for awhile

As long as you can 

Tolerate

My honesty

This is my life

This image you see 

Flashing before you

Brief

Fleeting

Call yourself my hero

Could you be my hero?

Look at me now

Laying here

Raw 

This is my face

My body

Betraying me
Can you fix me

Save me

Wipe the tears 

Blurring 

Your vision

Of me

Let me introduce you to fear

It's that lump in your throat

That look in your eyes

I will not judge you

Take my hand

Let me console you

Let me be your hero

I will carry you through 

The horror you see

In me

Sometimes

I often fear dwelling on the past and what was.  There have been obstacles in my past and sometimes, perhaps courtesy of my "mental acuteness", I find myself terrified of it's return.  I think (and welcome the possibility of being wrong) that any form of "recovery" carries with it the fear of "relapse".

I remember ten years ago, five years ago, not being able to breathe.  The sheer terror that accompanied any moment I found myself alone.  Being unable to walk out the front door, petrified of being revealed in such an unforgiving world.  I remember it with such depth of emotion that the prospect of returning to that place often finds a way into my thoughts and still on occasion guides my actions.

These flashbacks are especially obvious to me in moments I'm forced to realize how far I've come.  

I flew to Calgary and back at the start of the week.  A city I haven't been to since I was forced to leave Team Canada.  I was out there representing an amazing group of coworkers, interfacing with a very important client, and successfully deepening some very important relationships, alone.  A few years ago I couldn't keep a full time job, could not travel, would not fly, and feared doing most things without support by my side.

Today I flew to Ottawa and back to present to some coworkers.  Again facing all of these realizations with the added bonus of boarding a plane, coincidentally, with one of the camera crew from the team filming the documentary I am apart of.  A very pointed reminder and slightly humorous.

I guess what I know for sure, sometimes, I need to take a moment not to fear my past but instead acknowledge where I am today.  And more importantly, I need to take the time to share those moments with the incredible people I have in my life and so many more who understand.

There is hope...such incredible hope.